...about a girl...

I got this from Mary's page! I just couldn't help myself... she's so freaking deep and she's only 18!!! I seriously believe she has potential to be a great writer...^^

^_^

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LOVE HURTS

Love hurts... even when you dont want it to hurt.  It's a kind of pain that rips through your soul and tears you apart completely, revealing every feeling, every emotion that surfaces through like roaring waves.  If love hurts when you're not in love, its unimaginable how much pain you go through when you are.  But how much pain is a person willing to go through for love?  How much can they actually stand?  Once you've been sucked into the world of depression and heartache, you become for an amount of time... an emotional wreck.
In a diverging matter however, love can be the most wonderful feeling you can ever experience.  It is a breathtaking, extraodinary, beautiful emotion that swerves you around and makes you believe that anything is possible.  Yes, that is one essential quality of love... it makes you believe.  I believed and I dreamed... but I also woke up.

Mary H.

I don't even know anymore...

I cry from the most minimal thing... thoughts, movies, mostly songs, love songs haha... and no; Im not PMS-ing...

Why? Im going to be logical and blame it on stress... even though deep inside of me I know thats not the only reason...

This feeling, whatever it is... keeps claiming my thoughts as if I have no control over them... as if I have no say on what Im feeling, or why Im feeling it...does it even make sense? I doubt it...

I have so much stuff bottled up inside me that I feel that Ill explode in no time...

I keep trying to write it down, vent up my anxieties, fears, and latest emotions, but each time I feel inspired enough to write something I either have too much chaos around me, or Im too overwhelmed to even begin writing I end up acting as if everything is ok, and nothing is bothering me its like I block my mind from my actions and decisions, I act on automatic... I do what I can to cope with what Im going through...

Im listening to launch.com and well, every other song is a freaking love song... Can anyone explain why I get teary eyed every time I hear a sad melody, a love song, the sound of a piano...?

I get like this every once in a blue moon, and usually I don't mind because I know it goes away within a week, but this time, its lasted for way too long.  When as before I blamed it on PMS or hormones, now, Im not even sure if it was ever about that... or I know for sure that this episode has nothing to do with that... its been way too long... the feelings dont go away...

See what I mean? Wherever you will go by The Calling just started... ask me why I had the sudden urge to burst out crying?... Damn it. I dont like this. It prevents me from functioning as I should...

I feel as if I have no one to confide in, because well no body gets me... haha

I dont even get me...

The thing I can do is write, write out anything that comes to my mind... and maybe then Ill come to the source of my despair...

So, I am making an attempt to write out my thoughts... but there is just way too much that I need to talk about... and not enough time in the world to get it all down.

I will try to find time for myself, to write everyday, to relax and ponder about my life... todays time is up. And I accomplished nothing haha, I didnt address any of the subjects that are clogging my mind (family, friends, money, school, relationships, my latest addictionmy upcoming birthday, etc) but the simple act of writing something down has helped a little...

And, as it is with every day of the week, I need to get my school work done...
Ill continue later (hopefully)...

....about the inexplicable burst of emotions....

Sooooo, I had the sudden urge to write something down once and for all.

(I keep writing new posts, but then I either save them and never finish them, or completely forget about writing them in the first place...)

I guess it was triggered by the rush of emotions I felt when I watched my sisters leave today... ha ha, silly me, theyre just leaving for a couple of days but... for some reason I just feel overwhelmed...

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Erika replies with this:
"Awww don't feel sad,
just think that we went to
the store or some place so
you can study and we'll
be back soon..."

haha I'll try... I'll try...

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Like... this whole week/weekend/month was so crazy and fast paced, days went by quickly, and sometimes merged into one another...it was fun and comforting somehow...

I had been 'alone' for such a long time... that having these girls stay with me gave me a pull back into reality, into feeling something... I actually felt happy, warmth, needed... does this make sense?... the connection between people, the actual interaction, show and exchange of emotions, ideas and concerns... this is what brought me back into feeling again... and oh, how I missed this...

I learned much this summer... (ha ha Im writing as if its over) there are still a couple of weeks left, but somehow I feel the end of it coming faster than I can actually stand... for my own sanitys sake... I need more of it...

But even if I dont get to have it for much longer... I'll never forget it, because it brought us together... (Or at least I'm hoping it did)

Perhaps old broken friendships will never be fixed, because maybe there isn't much left to grasp on any longer... or maybe there is hope, and things can maybe some day be as they were... I don't know... I'll have to wait, learn... and see...

Regardless of the outcome of my so called life...the ups... the downs, the good and the bad of what is to come...one thing is sure, I know that I'll have people that care for me... always.... and I'm thankful for that...

Everything Falls Apart...

Isn’t it funny how you can be on top of the world one day and the following day you are found amidst the bottom of everything…

Yup, it’s that simple. 

You take a wrong turn and all of the sudden you are at the point in your life where nothing makes sense, nothing works in your favor, no one is there with you to help you think things through… alone and scared…you stand and look around and realize that there is absolutely nothing you can do to make your life better because everything has fallen apart…

You want to believe that the few options that you have WILL work, and will get you out of this horrible place… or that the few good things in your life can make up for the bad… but they can’t… you can’t… you stand alone…

I realized that I’m standing in that place… and I just don’t know how to get out of it…

See, before I would have balance in my life… I had bad things or not-so-good things going on but I still had those wonderful things that kept me going… like friends & family… people I could count on to be there when I needed them…

It was like, If I was walking through a rough patch and I would look over my shoulder, my loved ones would be there with me… supporting me…

Now… I look back… and I’m alone…

And this is the worst kind of loneliness one can feel… because I know that the few good things that I have in my life cannot balance out all the bad things that I have at this time…and this scares me...

I walk a lonely road
The only one that I have ever known
Don't know where it goes
But it's home to me and I walk alone

I walk this empty street
On the Boulevard of Broken Dreams
Where the city sleeps
and I'm the only one and I walk alone

I walk alone
I walk alone

I walk alone
I walk a...

My shadow's the only one that walks beside me
My shallow heart's the only thing that's beating
Sometimes I wish someone out there will find me
'Til then I walk alone
 

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Drama Drama Drama… when will it all end… I’m strong, but I don’t know if I can be  this strong… when as before I would have drama only in a few aspects of my life now it seems like it’s everywhere… in every aspect… with every step I take it seems I either create or encounter more drama and problems… and how I miss the plainness of my former self… how I miss the simple things that made me smile and feel like my life could never go wrong…

Laughing like there is no tomorrow with friends who seemed to be honest and true…

Having long talks with my sisters…

Enjoying the wonders of each day…

Just sitting and listening to silence…

Having someone to be there for me…

Succeeding in classes, working hard…

A happy family…

A HAPPY LIFE…

“There is no greater sorrow than to recall in misery the time when we were happy”    

-Unknown

And although I never had a complete balanced life… happiness all around, fulfillment in every aspect…it didn’t matter…because I had my other halfs (haha) there to support me… to make the best out of the things I had…

I don’t have that anymore… trust was broken… lives were changed … I’ve changed to adapt… and I can never go back to the same…

I pray for something that will come to get me out of this dark place… that will help me gain strength… control… the will to make me say FUCK IT! And keep going…

Will it ever come? … I don’t even know…

For now… I am here… and I’m drowning…

Currently Listening Boulevard of Broken Dreams By Green Day see related

I SUPPORT...

Currently Listening Best of the 60's By Zombies Time of the Season see related